Hollow
by MegKevin
Summary: An away mission going wrong-not unusual. It happened all the time. But this time is different. And Jim loses the one person he feels he can truly give his heart to. It's only rated T because it's a tragedy, and some people have issues with that.
1. Chapter 1: Wound

**Hollow**

**Disclaimer: ** Zach Quinto is gonna show up at my door and ask me to marry him. Hey, a girl can dream!

**A/N: **Okay, I know I should be working on Living and Dying, but this popped into my head, and damn thing, it wouldn't leave me alone. There are only three chapters, much shorter than LaD chaps, so, I've got it all typed up and I'll be able to focus now. I hope. Cuz more plot bunnies have appeared. But I think I can work on both at the same time. *fashions noose* So, warnings.

This IS a tragedy. The founding idea: What would Jim be without Spock? And there is SLASH. Nothing explicit, mild—and I mean MILD—language. Established Sulu/Chekov. Why? Because I think they're meant to be. And because they're SO. DAMN. CUTE. DEAL WITH IT.

And without further ado…

* * *

**Chapter One: Wound**

"See you soon, Scotty," Jim said, flashing his trademark grin as he, Spock, and Bones climbed up on the transporter pad. "Energize!"

"Aye, Cap'n," the Scotsman replied. He couldn't help but grin back. The young captain's excitement was infectious.

The transporter hummed to life, and then they were in a hot, humid jungle. The two humans stumbled as they hit the planet, and Spock automatically caught Jim's elbow to steady him, and Jim flashed the Vulcan a grateful smile as the warm hand retracted to its customary place behind its owner's back.

McCoy, on the other hand, staggered to the right, slammed into a tree, and fell on his backside.

Jim tried to stifle his laughter as he extended a hand to the doctor. He couldn't resist saying, "I guess you like the planet than, Bones?"

Bones slapped his friend's hand away, scowling murderously and dragging himself to his feet. "Damn that infernal contraption…" he muttered darkly. "Molecules flying all over the goddamn galaxy…damn unnatural…"

Jim laughed. Spock's eyebrow quirked, and Jim laughed harder, clutching at his sides.

When he was under control, he put his hands on his hips and looked around. The leaves on the trees were bright orange, and all the plants were in vibrant colors. Even the moss crawling up the trunks was a brilliant, cheerful yellow. It was all very pretty, if a bit dizzying.

Spock was already taking samples, and McCoy was peering suspiciously around the little clearing.

The Vulcan was bent over a bright purple bush, but Jim faced him anyway. "Spock, you said the natives live about three-fourths of a mile to the south, right?"

Spock straightened and faced his captain, a long purple leaf in his hand. "Actually, Captain, I believe a more accurate approximation would be—Jim!" Spock's eyes widened and he lunged forward, too late.

A bright red blur flew at the captain from behind and blue eyes widened marginally. He fell forward, collapsing against Spock's chest as the first officer caught his captain in his arms.

Carefully, Spock lowered Jim to the ground. McCoy was suddenly there, examining the crimson arrow that was imbedded in Jim's calf, scanning his friend with a tricorder and cursing profusely. Jim blinked slowly, his brain a little fuzzy. He looked up into Spock's worried eyes.

"Oh, hell!" McCoy exclaimed. "Spock, we have to get back to the ship, now! That arrow's poisoned!"

"Poisoned?" Spock repeated, turning his eyes back to Jim's. Jim could see the infinitesimal clench of Spock's jaw, the way his eyes blazed. He thought the natives should be glad that they had poisoned the arrow, because otherwise, they would have had one very PO'd half-Vulcan to contend with. And there really was no winning against an angry Spock.

"Spock," Jim panted. The blond was clammy and sweaty. His eyes cleared and focused on something behind the Vulcan.

"Duck!" he gasped and Spock obeyed without thought, flattening protectively over Jim, fingers burying in blond hair, cradling the captain's head against his chest. More red arrows flew over them. McCoy, who had also thrown himself to the ground at Jim's command, was—as per usual—swearing creatively.

Copper skinned men and women, scantily clad in white cloth, emerged from the trees, holding bows and arrows and baring their teeth. Spock rose fluidly to his feet and the natives rushed him, lifting their bows and shrieking in a strange tongue.

_It isn't unusual,_ Jim reflected. An away mission going wrong—it wasn't unusual. In fact, now that he thought about it, he couldn't remember a single away mission going smoothly. He wondered about that distantly, eyes fixed on Spock, slipping between the natives, delivering nerve pinches faster than the eye could see. Jim decided it was just the universe's love of screwing with him and went back to focusing on Spock.

Spock…his First Officer. His friend. His love. His heart ached whenever he thought about how much he felt for Spock. How much he could never tell him.

Spock had dropped all of the natives and was now striding back to them, face blank.

"Spock, we hafta get back to the Enterprise!" McCoy snapped again.

Spock flipped open his communicator. "Spock to Enterprise."

"Enterprise here," a Scottish accent replied. "Are ye done a'ready, Mr. Spock?"

"Three for beam up. Have medical team standing by," Spock ordered tersely. "The captain has been injured."

"Aye-aye, Mr. Spock," Scotty said, suddenly brisk. "It may take a minute to get a lock on your signal, so dunnae move a muscle."

"Thank you, Mr. Scott." Spock hooked the communicator to his belt again, eyes fixed on the pale face of the blond. "Dr. McCoy. I doubt that these people are alone. I feel it would be prudent for me to examine the area surrounding our location for further threat."

Jim wheezed out a laugh and winced. He could tell his First noticed by the miniscule tightening around his eyes.

"Go ahead, Spock, patrol away," McCoy growled, focused on dressing the deep puncture wound. "Just don't let anyone interrupt me dammit, or he won't make it."

"Spock…" Jim breathed again. His words were slurring but his eyes were clear. "Careful…"

Their eyes met, and Spock nodded slightly. "Of course, Captain."

Jim's eyes stayed on Spock as he prowled around the clearing. He ignored Bones, who was mumbling under his breath, what sounded like medical jargon mixed with curses.

Spock turned, and his eyes locked with Jim's for a moment, before turning upward. They widened and filled with something akin to panic. With a furious roar, he launched forward, leaping over Jim.

Jim watched helplessly as his Vulcan charged to protect him. Spock's body jerked and he turned to face Jim. A green stain was already spreading across his shirt, from the point where the arrow was buried in his side. Right where, Jim knew, the Vulcan heart was.

All he saw in that moment were Spock's chocolate eyes, fixed on his own, and then they rolled up and Spock crumpled in a heap.

"No," Jim whispered. He didn't hear McCoy screaming, "Energize, dammit!" He didn't hear the war cries, or see the natives dropping from the trees. All he knew was that Spock was lying beside him, utterly still, and his eyes were closed, and he wasn't moving, wasn't breathing…

And everything was crashing down around him, and he didn't feel the tingle of the transporter. All that mattered was Spock, that Spock open his eyes, breathe, anything to prove he was alive….

He saw only Spock's dark, compassionate eyes against the backs of his eyelids as darkness swirled up and swallowed him.

* * *

**A/N:** So I have the other chapters typed, but I'm thinking of waiting a few days before posting the next one. Just to gauge reader response. So, review! (oh, so_ that's_ what this is about?) yes, I am a review addict. But review anyway! Pleeeeaaase? Hugs to anyone who does!


	2. Chapter 2: Broken

**Hollow**

**Disclaimer:** I wish, I really do, but sadly, all I'm getting for Easter is a giant chocolate bunny.

**A/N:** This is the bulk of the story. I don't know how good I am at writing tragedy—cuz I've read some heart-wrenchers, and I know I'm not nearly there yet. But then again, I love these characters so much, it was hard to put them in this much pain. So, I guess it's up to you guys.

Here we go…

* * *

**Chapter Two: Broken**

Blue eyes opened slowly. Jim rolled over and looked at his alarm clock. Half an hour until shift started. He sat up on the edge of his bed. For just a moment, he let his head fall forward into his hands. Then, the moment gone, he stood and moved into his bathroom. Mechanically, without thinking, he went through his morning routine.

He replicated himself waffles and ate alone before he left his quarters and told the turbolift to take him to the bridge. It swished open and he moved silently to his chair.

"ETA, Mr. Sulu?" he asked quietly.

Sulu swiveled around in his chair. "Forty-two point eight hours, Captain," he replied.

"Thank you, Mr. Sulu," Jim said, staring straight ahead at the blank viewscreen.

Sulu turned back to his controls and exchanged a worried look with Chekov. He glanced over his shoulder and caught Uhura's eye. Her brow furrowed in concern. She shook her head sadly and they both shot a glance at the redheaded woman sitting at the science station. Their eyes met again, but they could do nothing more than half-shrug helplessly and turn back to their stations. The first half of shift passed uneventfully, the officers talking quietly with the people next to them. The only one who didn't speak, except to ask a professional question, was their captain. He didn't flirt with Uhura. He didn't joke with Sulu and Chekov. And his eyes never once strayed to the science station.

When it was time for lunch break, Jim left the bridge without a word, and Uhura, Sulu and Chekov exchanged more worried glances as they stood.

"Nyota," Sulu said as they entered the turbolift. "You should eat with us." She nodded.

"We need to go somewhere more private than the caf," Nyota pointed out, directing the lift to take them to rec room six.

They rode in silence. "We need to call Scotty and Dr. McCoy," said Chekov as they exited the lift.

"Good call, Pav," Nyota agreed. She looked around and stopped at the nearest intership comm. "Monty," she called.

"Aye, lassie, what can Ah do fer ya?" Scotty answered, sounding rather distracted.

"It's lunchtime," she reminded him.

"Ah, lass, Ah need ta finish up thes one thing before Ah can—"

"Monty," she interrupted. "Hikaru, Pavel, McCoy and I are meeting in rec room six."

All three heard him sigh heavily, and his voice was suddenly serious. "The Cap'n?"

Nyota and Hikaru exchanged looks again. "Yeah," was all she said.

"Ah'll be up in a jiffy," he told her.

Moving away from the comm, she turned to Hikaru. "You should call Len."

He hesitated.

"She is right, 'Karu," Pavel encouraged. "He will listen easier to you."

Hikaru nodded and pressed the button. "Sulu to McCoy."

There was a moment's pause. "Whaddya want Hikaru?" McCoy growled.

"You busy?"

He snorted. "I'm bored outta my head."

"Good. We're meeting in rec room six," Hikaru told him.

"Whose we?" McCoy asked, suspicious.

"Me, Pavel, Nyota, and Scotty."

Just like Scotty, McCoy sighed. "Well, I suppose it's about time. I'll be right up."

"Thanks, Len."

"Sure thing, kid. Sure thing."

He cut the connection and the three took a seat at a table in a secluded corner of the rec room. They had only been in for a moment when the door opened and Scotty joined them. He slid into the booth next to Nyota. "Hey, Monty," she said.

"'Lo, Nyota. 'Karu, Pav. Still waitin' on Len, then?"

Hikaru nodded.

They didn't speak as they waited, and it wasn't long until the door was opening again.

McCoy made straight for the replicator. When he turned, he was balancing a tray with six plates on it, which he shoved onto the table. "Eat," he ordered, glaring around at them.

Hastily, they all grabbed one of the plates of spaghetti and began shoveling it down. When they had each swallowed a few bites, Nyota wiped her mouth and looked at them. "So," she said at length.

One by one, the others set their forks down and looked at each other somberly.

"We all know why we're here," Nyota began. Everyone nodded. "I think it goes without saying that we have to do something." Another nod.

"I am wery worried," Pavel said, his usually cheerful face uncharacteristically solemn. It was an expression he had worn much more frequently in recent months. "Ze Keptin, he…he is not ze _Keptin_ anymore. Not since…" He trailed off. It was a forbidden subject, and everyone knew it. It just hurt too much.

"We all knew how they felt," Sulu added.

"Jim luved 'im," agreed Scotty. "And he luved Jim. But they had something' special. It went beyond…beyond…well, I dunno, it was deep, tha's all. Deeper than normal."

"It's been four months," McCoy growled. "I don't know how to help him, he won't_ talk_ to me. Won't talk to anyone. But it's not healthy."

"It may sound silly," Sulu started. "But ever since…well, Jim's seemed so empty. You look into his eyes, and it's like a part of him isn't there anymore."

Pavel slipped an arm around him. "Eet does not sound silly at all, 'Karu," he argued comfortingly. "Does it?"

They shook their heads. Nyota had tears in her eyes as she took Hikaru's hand. "No. It—That's just how it is. It's so _heartbreaking_…"

Hikaru leaned into his boyfriend's embrace and squeezed Nyota's hand.

"We hafta snap him out of it," said Scotty decisively.

"Yeah, but how?" McCoy grumbled.

"Well," Pavel spoke up hesitantly. Sulu squeezed him encouragingly. "I sink we haf to agree right now to be as discreet as possible."

"Aye, the lad's right."

"If we push too hard, we'll scare him off," Sulu nodded before turning to the young genius. "What did you have in mind, Pav?"

Pavel ducked his head slightly. "Ze best way to start is to—slowly—get him to do sings wis us, wis his friends, more."

"The kid's right. This bein' alone all the damn time, not talkin' to anyone, it's not healthy." McCoy repeated. "'Specially not for Jim."

"How should we start?" Scotty wondered.

Nyota piped up. "How about a movie night? We can all invite him."

"Tha's gud," he nodded. "What kind of movie?"

"Horror."

The others stared at McCoy like he had grown an extra head. "What?" Nyota said finally.

"What?" McCoy asked, taken aback.

"Horror?" Nyota echoed, puffing up angrily. "You want to give him more nightmares? Don't you think he has enough things tormenting him?"

McCoy looked affronted. "What kinda friend d'you think I am?" he demanded. She blinked.

"Wha—?"

"I'd never do that to him!"

"But—Horror—" she stammered.

"If you'd listen, I'll explain, alright?" She nodded mutely. "Now. There are a couple o' reasons why I think horror's the right choice. First of all, Jim's always loved horror. Until the… Jim and I used to have a horror marathon every Thursday night, you guys remember, you'd come too, every once in awhile. Second, with any luck, it'll get his adrenaline pumping, maybe liven him up a bit. And…" There was a pause as everyone waited. "Horror's probably the only thing that won't Jim of…_him_."

The others dropped their eyes. "Len," Nyota half-whispered, stricken. "I'm so sorry. I should have known that you would never…"

"'S okay, Nyota," he said gruffly, patting her on the back.

"So, are we agreed?" She asked, looking around at them.

Sulu put his hand in the middle of the table. "Agreed."

"Da." Chekov covered Sulu's hand with his own.

"Aye," Scotty sighed, putting his hand in.

"Sawa," Nyota said quietly, (okay in Swahili) adding her hand to the pile.

The all looked expectantly at the doctor. He sighed heavily. "Somethin's gotta give. Better make sure it's in our favor." He put his hand over those of his friends. People who had become family. "After shift we'll meet back here."

***

After shift ended, Jim returned to his quarters, as he always did. His mind was blank, his eyes dull.

He avoided the gaze of everyone who passed him, staring at the floor. A far cry from the vivacious blond captain who had bounced through the halls, greeting everybody by name, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

He slipped into his quarters and sat by the replicator, slipping in a card for pizza. He ate slowly, barely tasting the gooey cheese, hardly smelling the fragrant oregano and tomato.

He heard his doorbell buzz just as he was slipping on his pajamas; a grey t-shirt and sweats. He walked over and let the door slide open. His CMO stood there in his own pajamas, an unusually gentle expression on his face. "Hey, Bones," he said dully. He couldn't work up the energy to put any inflection into his voice.

Bones felt his heart ache as he looked at his best friend, his brother. His shoulders were slumped, his face tired. He looked so…old. As if he was sixty-six instead of twenty-six. He looked completely defeated. It was an expression that should never be on that face, the face of someone who didn't believe in no-win scenarios. "Hi, Jim."

For a moment, Jim struggled to smile, but couldn't quite manage it. He gave a miniscule sigh. It just wasn't worth the effort. Only he… _No. _Jim couldn't let his thoughts travel down that path. "What's up?" he asked in a disinterested tone.

"Well, d'you remember Thursday movie nights?" McCoy responded, then winced internally at the flash of pain through Jim's eyes.

Movie nights…that was before… Jim stopped his thoughts. He couldn't think about before. His heart throbbed faintly. "Yeah, Bones."

"We're doing the same kinda thing. Me 'n Nyota 'n Pavel 'n Hikaru 'n Scotty. We were all wondering if you'd want to join us." Jim was already shaking his head.

"No thank, Bones. I really just want to go to be—"

"Normally, I'd be all for you catching a bit extra rest," Bones interrupted. "Cuz god knows you overwork yourself. But now, I'm telling you ta come an' spend some time with yer friends."

"Bones I appreciate it, but really I don't—"

"Jim, I'm tryin' ta be nice about this. Don't make me make that an order," McCoy threatened.

Jim nodded once and stepped out. "Good," McCoy nodded. Jim followed him into the turbolift.

"You oughta come down and visit me Jim," McCoy admonished. "I'm bored as hell down there. I don't even have any paperwork!" he cried, throwing up his hands. "That's just pathetic," he continued as the lift opened. "I actually _miss_ havin' paperwork. I'm wastin' away!"

Jim felt a brief flicker of gratitude. Bones would always be Bones, and that was comforting. He hadn't changed since… He flinched internally, shoving that thought away. Bones led him to rec room six and paused before the door. He knocked, calling, "You guys ready?"

"Come on in, Len," Nyota's voice replied. The door slid open and Jim's eyes widened ever so slightly. The room had been transformed. A vidscreen took up the far wall. Something, it looked like a huge mattress with a soft couch back, was on the floor in the middle of the room. A popcorn stand was in one corner, with its counter covered in candy. On another stand was an antique soda fountain with big plastic cups and crazy straws. Soft pillows and blankets were strewn across the mattress. McCoy was gaping like a fish.

Pavel and Hikaru were over by the soda fountain in plain pajama pants and baggy T-shirts. Scotty was by the popcorn machine, similarly attired. Nyota stood in front of the vidscreen. She was wearing dark red, well-worn cotton pajama bottoms and an overlarge grey t-shirt. Her silky hair was out of its usual ponytail and swishing around her. A remote was in her hand, a tentative smile on her face. She walked over to them.

"So?" she asked. "What do you think?"

"This is just amazin' Nyota," McCoy told her. "How'd ya manage all this? I was in here only an hour ago."

"It wasn't so hard. Hikaru found a couple of movies while Pavel and Monty somehow tricked the bigger replicators into giving us all this." She gestured around her. "I got the bed and the movie set up while the boys brought the popcorn and soda machines up."

"It was a pain in the arse gettin' that bed up the turbolift," Scotty added, coming up to them.

"Oh, yeah," she laughed. "We never would have managed without Hikaru and Pavel. 'Karu lifted half thing on his own while Pav figured out how to fold it to get it to fit."

"It was nothing," Sulu dismissed as he and his boyfriend joined the group.

"Et was quite simple actually," Pavel said.

"The funny part was," Sulu continued, "that we had stuffed the thing all the way in before we realized that none of us would be able to fit in with it. So Nyota charges up the interdeck ladders, sprints down the halls, shoving people left and right, and I'm trying to catch up, and she somehow gets to the lift just in time to catch the thing as it springs out like those cans of worms from the 20th century."

"Luckily, 'Karu caught up before I was crushed," she returned, nudging the Asian playfully. "Anyway, should we start?"

"Sounds good," said McCoy, moving toward the popcorn stand, eyeing the Jujubes. Scotty, Pavel and Hikaru followed.

Jim was left standing with Nyota. She looked up seriously into his face. "We're all glad you came," she informed him. She put a hand on his shoulder and he flinched away. It had been so long since anyone had touched him. He didn't like to be touched anymore. It reminded him of the touch he craved, the burning touch he could never feel again. Nyota saw this and her gaze softened even further, and slowly, she stepped forward. Even though she was moving with exaggerated slowness, his brain didn't comprehend what she was about to do until she had done it, and then it was too late.

Her arms gently wrapped around him, and squeezed briefly before they were gone.

Jim blinked in astonishment. It had been ages since anyone had touched him, but even longer since someone had hugged him.

Carefully, she took his hand and led him over to the couch-bed while their friends returned with popcorn and candy in hand. They all crawled in, squished together, but not uncomfortable.

Jim was in the middle, with Nyota on one side and McCoy on the other. Scotty was on the other side of Nyota and Hikaru and Pavel were snuggled up next to the doctor, who was quick to warn them, "Don't you two even think about makin' out durin' the whole movie, or I'll hypo you with something that'll make you both sexually inadequate for a month."

Nyota and Scotty howled with laughter and hint of amusement passed through Jim as Pavel and Hikaru exchanged wide-eye glances and simultaneously scooted away from the doctor.

With a bit of squabbling over the best pillow, (which, at Scotty's blushing insistence went to an equally red Nyota) and no small amount of blanket tugging, they eventually got settled and Nyota pressed play. An old Earth horror film began to play.

Jim concentrated perhaps a bit too hard on immersing himself in the movie, with a conscious effort not to think about the fact that they seemed to have chosen it so that nothing would remind of…him. He immediately pushed that thought away and redoubled his efforts to concentrate. He stayed silent as his friends whispered, and at one point, escalated into a full-on popcorn-and-jellybean-throwing war. Even Bones, griping all the while, mercilessly pelted a giggling Hikaru and Pavel with Jujubes.

As the second movie began, they quieted down and began to shift a little, trying to get comfortable. McCoy was the first to fall asleep, mumbled curses giving way to deep, even breathing. Scotty was next, his light snore intermingled with engineer gibberish. Pavel and Hikaru seemed to go simultaneously, heads together conspiratorially, legs intertwined.

"They're so cute," Nyota murmured, peering over Jim at them. Jim nodded once, silently offering her a Milk Dud. She accepted and lay back down.

They watched in companionable silence. About halfway through the movie, Nyota's head somehow found its way onto Jim's shoulder. He could feel one of her feet pressing against his calf. He looked down at her in mild surprise. She blinked blearily and yawned. Her eyes fell closed and she mumbled, "I miss you, Jim." With another yawn, her fingers twisted in his shirt and her breathing evened out.

_Miss me_. Jim wanted to pretend not to know what she was talking about, but even in his current state, he couldn't quite convince himself.

He knew he hadn't been the same since…he physically flinched and again stopped his train of thought cold.

Carefully he extracted the remote from Nyota's slackened grip and turned off the movie.

In the sudden darkness, he closed his eyes and tried to fill his mind with images from the movie.

Eventually he slipped into a fitful sleep.

***

He was standing on a too-bright planet, watching in slow motion. Watching as his first officer fought and beat every native who came at him. Chocolate brown eyes met his.

Suddenly, arrows began to rain down from the trees. He watched, fascinated by the display of grace as his first officer smoothly dodged each one.

Those chocolate eyes widened and filled with fear and vulnerability, and Jim's heart ached to comfort his friend, to make whatever was wrong go away. And then there was a blue-clad body standing in front of his, a smooth cap of silky black hair all that was visible of the head. The body lurched and fell and he watched, horrified, unable to move as green blood stained the shirt, then the earth. Gasping, the man rolled over, and a wave of pain and fury rolled through Jim as his eyes met deep brown ones.

Jim was screaming his name, but he wouldn't get up. Jim was running, sprinting down a dark hall, so out of breath, but he couldn't stop because if he could just get there than he could save his love. A jagged spike was being shoved further into his heart with each beat of the damned organ. _If I can just get there I can save him._ He was panicking now. _Where is he? Why can't I see him?_ He wondered hysterically. He caught sight of a crumpled heap on the floor and put on a burst of speed. _Oh, please, please, let me get there in time. Please, stay alive…_

He was almost there. He could make out the distinctive shape of a pointed ear. His eyes met dark, familiar ones, and relief coursed through him as he reached out….

And he was falling, falling down into an abyss. His heart was ripping into pieces as he tumbled away from those eyes, away from saving the only being he could truly love. He felt the burning pain exploding through his chest as he writhed frantically. He stretched his hands above him, straining to reach the chocolate eyes that he could still see perfectly, despite how far away they were. His hands were dripping viscous green liquid onto his face, and he screamed, revolted.

Everything was falling apart, streaked with green blood, and he was soaked, covered in the blood of the one he loved most, his guilt painted on, inerasable. He reached out blindly, feeling everything shatter around and inside of him, his life, his heart, his one chance to be whole, as he reached wildly for his love.

"SPOCK!!" he screamed, as he felt a part of his soul turn to ash.

***

Nyota and Pavel both watched with tears streaming down their cheeks, and Scotty, Hikaru and McCoy's eyes were glistening as their friend and captain thrashed, an expression of unbearable anguish on his face.

"SPOCK!!" he screamed at last, tears dripping from his closed eyes. Shuddering with silent sobs, he fell still and extended a hand until it fell against Nyota's arm. But he seemed, even in sleep, to realize it wasn't the right skin, and drew his hand back to himself with a small moan. Slowly, the tears stopped and his breathing evened out.

The others stayed perfectly still for another ten minutes before cautiously laying back down. None of them could look at each other, but all heard clearly as Nyota, laying her head on Jim's shoulder, whispered in a choked voice, "Now I know….why it's been so long since I saw him smile…"

Tears slipped from McCoy's eyes, and Scotty choked back a sob. Hikaru buried his face in Pavel's shoulder.

Nyota reached back and took Scotty's large hand. She threaded her fingers through his and squeezed.

Sorrow coursing through them, they slipped back into sleep. Regret for what they had seen lay over and between them like a stifling blanket.

***

Jim's eyes blinked open. In a moment, he remembered where he was and looked around. Scotty, Pavel and Hikaru were sitting in a booth in the corner, talking quietly. On either side of him, McCoy and Nyota were still asleep. Nyota was curled into his side, her head on his arm, clutching his shirt. McCoy was on his side, facing away from Jim.

As if on cue, Nyota blinked. "Monty?" she mumbled, reaching behind her.

"He's over there," Jim told her quietly, pointing at the booth. She blinked again.

"Oh, Jim," she said, sitting up. "How'd you sleep?"

He avoided her gaze. "Okay."

They both jumped as McCoy sat bolt upright, staring around wildly. His hair was mussed, sticking straight up on one side and he had a shadow of a beard. With a yawn, he rubbed the back of his head. "Hey guys." Then he pulled a tricorder from nobody-wanted-to-know-where, and began scanning Jim. "Ya sleep alright?"

"Yeah." McCoy snorted and moved toward Nyota, who hastily backed away.

"No, really, Len, I'm fine. I promise!"

With another snort, he put his tricorder away and stood. Jim and Nyota followed him as he stomped over to the others. Pavel popped up and moved to the replicator. He turned a moment later, balancing three plates stacked with pancakes in his arms. Jim grabbed two and handed one to Nyota before they could fall from the clumsy young genius's arms.

When they had all finished breakfast, they stood and looked around at each other. "Well," Scotty said eventually. "Ah'd best be getting back to m'lady. I hope we do this again soon." Gallantly he kissed Nyota's hand and strode off, blushing a little. Nyota, whose cheeks were also a little darker than usual, turned to the rest of them defiantly. McCoy and Sulu rolled their eyes at each other. Pavel giggled.

"We had better go too, Hikaru," Pavel said.

"Yeah, you're right." They hugged Nyota simultaneously. "Thanks Nyota, it was fun."

Nyota waved as they left, and turned back to the other men. After a minute, she smiled. "Thanks for coming, you guys."

McCoy hugged her gently. "It was fun. Scotty's right, we should do it again."

"Thanks, Len." She kissed his cheek, turning him bright red.

Hesitantly, she squeezed Jim for only a moment. "I'm glad you came," she told him.

"Me too."

She gave him another smile and slipped out of the room.

For a long moment, the two friends stood in silence, avoiding each others' gaze.

"Look, Jim," McCoy began. "I'm sorry I was so pushy last night, it's just…we've all really missed ya."

"It's okay, Bones." But Bones held up a hand.

"Lemme finish. I'm sorry about that ensign who died on the last away mission, and the lieutenant two missions before that. I'm sorry I always give ya such a hard time. Look, I'm no good at all this touchy-feely stuff, but you're the best friend I ever had, and I don't really know what I'd do without ya, and—and, aw, hell, I'm sorry, alright?" He stared fixedly at Jim's knees throughout his speech. He peeked up at Jim's face, embarrassed.

Jim was staring at him. "Why?" he said.

McCoy's head snapped up. "Huh?"

"Why are you sorry?"

"Well—it's just—I know—" he floundered. "Dammit, I'm just sorry! It just twists my heart ta see ya like this, Jim. You're like my brother and I can't stand seein' ya hurt."

A hint of a smile flashed across Jim's face, a pained, sad expression, so swift if McCoy had blinked he'd have missed it.

"Thanks, Bones."

Slowly, giving his friend time to pull away, Bones moved forward and pulled Jim into a hug. For a minute they just stood that way. The, Jim carefully lifted his arms and buried his face in Bones's shoulder. McCoy patted his back comfortingly.

"Thanks," Jim muttered again, breaking away and hurrying out of the room.

McCoy stared after him for a moment. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. As he left the rec room, he wondered if they had actually done any good.

***

Jim collapsed on the edge of his bed, breathing heavily. He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes but it didn't help. He'd known it wouldn't. Images flashed across his eyelids, terribly real, accompanied by sensations and feelings; and they too, were all too real.

A lean body, bending over a bush, adorably fascinated. Sensuous lips forming his name sharply. Pain lancing through his calf. A warm body against his own, strong arms holding him securely. A subtle, musky, almost caramel scent filling his lungs. That body, weaving between his attackers as they fell to the ground. Him turning back, dark eyes flashing instantly to Jim's face.

Fury and fear filling those eyes. The blue-clad body leaping over his own, landing solidly, then staggering. Turning, a red arrow, garishly bright, sunk deep, green blood spilling across the blue shirt. Him collapsing to the ground. Chocolate eyes meeting his own, searching, relief flooding them. Those rich eyes going blank, staring at Jim without seeing him. _No, no, it can't be, it isn't possible. No no _NO, _it's not real, it's a nightmare, wake up, wake _up! _Oh please, open your eyes, breathe, please._ His ears were roaring and nothing else existed but the too-still body. Nothing else mattered but that those eyes smile again, filled with expression—fury, hatred, he didn't care, _just _please_, open your eyes._

A familiar face above his, pain saturated in his gruff voice, echoing the most terrible words ever to touch his ears. "He's dead, Jim." _Dead, Jim. Dead. Dead. NO! It isn't real, it isn't right, this can't be right_. _He can't die, it's impossible, he's_ him, _he's strong, and consistent, and _there. _He is everything,_ everything. _NO, he is my life and my heart and my soul, I love him, he can't die, he can't! It hurts, it hurts, make it go away, he can't be gone, he _CAN'T!

A lifeless form. _Please. Oh, please. I'll do anything, anything you want. I don't care if you hate me, just wake up,_ please.

Crying humans, tight-faced Vulcans. A shiny casket being launched into space… _No. Why aren't you here? You should be here, why aren't you here? You should be here. Where are you? Please, you should be here. What do I do? I can't be without you. I can't, not now, not now that I know what it is to be whole, to have my other, better half. You can't leave. Please, you can't, you can't. You can't leave me! NO._

Scotty and Nyota, Sulu and Chekov, even hard-hearted McCoy, crying. _No, why are you crying? Stop. He can't be gone. He can't._ He couldn't seem to stop saying no._ No. No. He can't._

_Please don't leave me!_ His heart was breaking into a thousand pieces, his soul was burning, the pain not dulled by the many glasses of illegal alcohol. It hurt, it hurt so much, he couldn't bear it.

_Kill me. Kill me! Just end it, make it all go away. Let me be with him. Please, let me die._

Nyota screaming, tears pouring down her face. Sulu and Chekov bursting in, dragging him down to sickbay as he struggled, Nyota still sobbing.

Bones coming out, Nyota grabbing the doctor's shirt, yelling. His face going white, voice coming from far away as he scrambled for a hypo. But Jim was still struggling, punching Sulu in the jaw, elbowing Pavel, running. Scotty, bursting out of nowhere, grabbing Jim around the middle. The engineer pinning him to a biobed while Chekov and Sulu strapped him down. He was yanking, fighting against his bindings as Scotty held the hysterical Uhura.

_Let me die. Please, just let me die. I can't live without him. I don't _want_ to. Don't make me. Don't make me live without him, please. No! _Bones coming at him with a hypo._ No, Bones, stop. Don't. Just let me die. I'm so tired. I…I can't endure this. Please. _Bones forcing him over a basin as the medicine came up, tearing at his throat. _No! No! Just let me die! I don't care anymore, I don't care! Don't make me live without him! This isn't life. This is worse than any hell! Let me die! Let me die! Let me go to Spock! Spock! I want _Spock!!

The worst picture of all, more real than all the others. A pale perfect face in a casket, eyes closed, hair perfect as ever, ears curving to elegant points. _Spock. SPOCK. SPOCK, SPOCK, SPOCK!!_ Everything was breaking. There was no beauty, no reason to live, the world, his life, his heart soul, shattering, beyond repair, but somehow, not beyond pain. Pain exceeding anything he had ever experienced before, pain so severe, he might collapse into himself. _Let me go with Spock, let me die!_

He howled in agony and threw himself at the door, seeking to injure, to spark a pain, anything to distract from the storm, the inferno within him. He slammed into the door with a crushing force, once, twice, again. He kept smashing into the door, even as he felt bones crunch in his arm and ribcage. He fell to the floor, head spinning. _Just let me die, _he begged silently, as blackness crept into his vision. _I can't live without him_

**

* * *

A/N:** Umm….reveiw? Please? ….maybe…? *shrinks*


	3. Chapter 3: Forever

**Hollow**

**Disclaimer: **I only play with them. Afterwards, they still belong to Roddenberry.

**A/N: **Okay, so…last chapter. Short. No warnings really except slash. Duh.

Read on.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Forever**

Jim slowly came awake. He made out a faint beeping, and barely audible, someone breathing. He lifted his eyelids. They felt so heavy. He blinked several times and they became lighter, and he became aware that his throat was dry and burning.

He hurt so much. Like a part of himself had been destroyed. _Spock…_ He squeezed his eyes shut. _No._ "No," he rasped. There was a faint intake of breath. Jim's eyes snapped open and before he could look around, McCoy was bending over him, wedging a straw between his lips. Jim sighed and sipped, holding back tears, as McCoy checked him over, talking nonstop. Jim didn't hear a word.

"Well, you look just fine, but I want you to stay overnight, just so I can be sure you get some rest."

"Okay, Bones," he muttered.

Bones peered at him suspiciously. Jim Kirk usually whined like a toddler when Bones told him to stay overnight. But now, he didn't care. Spock was gone. "Get some sleep," Bones said simply.

Jim closed his eyes obediently, wanting desperately to sink back into that blackness forever.

"Captain." Jim's eyes snapped open, filling with a sick hope, and a terrible fear of having his hopes destroyed. That achingly beautiful voice…

A face, the most beautiful face, appeared over his. Soft lips, marble smooth skin, a slight furrow between upturned eyebrows… Curved, perfect pointed ears, silky black hair, not a one out of place. And chocolate eyes filled with worry and relief that his face only just expressed. "Are you well?"

"Spock," Jim breathed, eyes wide, drinking in the sight of his First.

"Captain. Are you aware that you have been in a coma for thirteen point six days?"

"Spock." Jim slowly sat up. "You're alive."

A hint of confusion crept into the dark eyes. "Indeed."

Gently, almost afraid, he reached out and stroked the Vulcan's cheek, ran his finger along the curve of the pointed ear. Spock's eyebrow flew up, and Jim traced that too. A breathless, joyous laugh bubbled up in his throat. "You're _alive!_"

He wrapped his arms around his first officer, pulling him closer. He buried his face in the Vulcan's chest, shudders racking his body. "Jim?" Spock asked hesitantly, one hand automatically resting on Jim's back, the other in his hair.

"Spock," Jim murmured, voice muffled by the blue cloth. "You're alive… I thought… just a dream… thought you were gone….you're _alive_…"

Spock stiffened. He put his hands on Jim's shoulders and pulled away slightly. He bent down so that his eyes were level with Jim's. "You believed I was dead?"

Jim nodded, pain crossing his face. "I saw. The arrow…" He laid a hand on the Vulcan's side, where he could feel the bandaging. He shuddered. "Your heart."

"You were in much more danger than I was," Spock informed him, face tight.

"What?" Jim stared up at him, uncomprehending. "But…your heart…"

"We were beamed back onto the ship immediately after I was injured. I received treatment within seconds. You, while wounded in a…perhaps less vulnerable spot, were on the plant for approximately eight point six minutes after being shot, giving the poison ample time to spread through your bloodstream. It spread remarkably fast, reaching your brain and other major organs two point four minutes after entering your body. When I awoke one point three hours after being injured, I found Dr. McCoy in a state of considerable distress because there was no way to remove all of the poison from your system. Together, we managed to create an antidote that, we believed, would counteract and neutralize the poison. There was a high probability that it had already irreversibly damaged your mind, but we were fortunate. While quick to spread, it was slow take effect. As you are aware, Dr. McCoy and I were successful."

"Thirteen days, huh?"

"Thirteen point six," Spock corrected.

Jim smiled. Spock's lips twitched and his eyes were gentle. "How'd my ship hold up without me?"

Spock searched Jim's eyes with his own. "The entire crew was quite concerned and anxious for your return to duty."

"Well, I'm glad to know that she was in good hands." His smile trembled, and his forehead fell against Spock's chest. He locked his arms even tighter around his first officer. "God, Spock," he whispered, voice shaking as hard as his body. "I thought you were gone. I thought…" He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, but he didn't care. "I thought I lost you." The tears were spilling over now, but he just didn't _care_, because, god, _Spock,_ real and alive right in his arms. He took a deep, shuddering breath and that beautiful musky, slightly caramel fragrance, with a hint of something purely Spock that was like a foreign spice, flooded into him.

Spock's slender, muscular arms snaked around his captain, pulling him close. He dropped his head forward to bury his nose in blond hair. "I too admit to considerable discomfort while you remained in questionable health. I was…very reluctant to leave medical bay. I did not wish to be elsewhere if your condition suddenly changed."

Jim pulled back, keeping his arms firmly around his Vulcan, but moving back enough to look into Spock's eyes. "Spock," he said hoarsely. Tears were still falling down his face. "I love you."

Spock's eyes widened, his lips parted slightly, and he seemed in shock. Then relief and triumph and joy and love all swept into his eyes. Gently, he pressed his lips to Jim's. It was a sweet, slow kiss. When it broke, Spock rested his forehead on Jim's and met those joyous blue eyes. For once, he didn't try to be evasive and vague by Vulcanizing his response. Instead, he simply said, "I love you too, Jim."

Tears flowed freely down Jim's face, but this time, it wasn't from lingering fear, or because he was breaking inside. This time, he couldn't stop the tears because his soul was whole, and his heart was strong and so full it felt like it might burst. He threw his arms around Spock's neck and pulled him down for another enthusiastic kiss, not even caring that the nurses and the bridge crew (who had been waiting to see Jim) were all clapping and cheering and someone—it sounded like Sulu—was whistling, and McCoy was muttering, "About goddamn time," because Spock loved him. Spock loved him back! He was so happy and filled with love that he could think of nothing but Spock, Spock's scent, his strong arms, his _taste_—god, Spock's taste—and the blinding happiness that he could feel pulsing in both of them.

He had never known that such light and love and happiness existed. And now it was his. He knew that as long as he had Spock, he would never need anything. Spock was all he would ever need—and now he had him. Forever.

* * *

**A/N:** What? A hopeless romantic, you say? Who, _me? _No, of course not. Whatever gave you that idea? Social life? What is this foreign thing you speak of?

Yeah, so, I'm a romantic sucker. The first idea was just, 'if Jim lost Spock' but somehow, this warm, fuzzy ending wormed its way in. Damn that gushy part of my brain that demanded a happy ending…

I just couldn't do it. Maybe someday I'll be able to do a proper, tear-dropping tragedy, but I just didn't have the heart for it. I love Spock entirely too much to kill him, and I love Jim entirely too much to destroy him like that.

This chapter is completely, shamelessly, _FLUFF._ I would say I was sorry, but I'd be lying. I really hope you guys like it! Please, pretty please with chocolate-covered Spock on top, review! _REVIEW!! _Kathy, this includes you! Or else! *growls*

This chapter definitely goes to my friend Kathy, who can always make me laugh, and to **MirrorFlower and Darkwind**, and** T'Pinto**, who once again, were first to review. You guys are epic! Lots o' Love!


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